James Martin

26/08/2010 - Note: As James has now been here nearly nine months without creating this page, we've decided to create it for him. (Please don't tell - we want to see how long it takes him to figure it out.)

07/09/2010 - Update: OK so he's back now, but as this is still here we can't resist adding to it!

29/09/2010 - Update 2: we can't believe this page has survived over a month... maybe it's something to do with all the work we keep sending to James!

01/11/2010 - Update 3: that's over 2 months... we're gearing up to break the longest-running fake page record at this rate!

12/12/2011 - Update 4: right it's been sooooo long that we even forgot this page was still here - might have to leave it forever now, as it seems to have become a permanent part of the internet.

Bio

Little is known about James' early life. He grew up poor, the son of an itinerant Cow Pat farmer.

Narrowly avoiding a career in extreme underwear modeling, James became the founder member of the Chandler's Ford Chapter of the JLS Fan Club. He once nearly touched Aston's back but was "helped" away by men with no necks.

In these dark times it was only right that he stumbled into Semantic's "Care in the Community" programme... and now benefits from regular hot meals and adult supervision... or is that regular adult meals and hot supervision?

10 facts about James

1. His favourite food is lemon roulade.
2. His favourite colour is puce.
3. His middle name is Jennifer.
4. He once wrestled a Flower-Pot Man, and lost.
5. He has 7 toes on each foot... each nail painted a different colour.
6. His life's ambition is to visit Belgium.
7. He wears a wig (but not on his head).
8. He goes in for Britain's Got Talent (every year)... singing "Windmills in my Mind".
9. His left and right hands are the wrong way round!
10. A near-fatal snowboarding accident may have increased the pitch of his voice by two octaves

Mythbuster

Do not believe everything you've heard about our James. We're here to bust a few JM Myths wide open.

1. He never was Cheerleading Captain at school... but don't mention it... the loss is still very raw.
2. He doesn't own a squirrel called Bernard (it's called Harriet).
3. There was no (so-called) "Night of the Long Chives".
4. He doesn't secretly moonlight as a Ballet Dancer (it's no secret).
5. Once he was found fast asleep in the pet food aisle in Sainsburys.
6. He didn't get stuck inside the Tower of London with nothing but an Austrian passport (unfortunately it was a forged Guy Fawkes one, so things didn't end well).
7. When watching the Twilight movies, he's not fallen asleep once (it's far more times than that!)
8. He once swallowed a whole Kinder egg and survived.
9. His favourite colours are grey and white because any others would clash with his eyes.
10. He hasn't ever needed to sit in a bath of de-icing fluid for more than 2 hours.

James' inspiring thoughts

"If you are a farmer with no cows, then cows must surely follow...
... for a farmer with no cows, is a farmer with much sorrow."

"If, like me, you wish to succeed in ballet, be sure to follow the three A's - Alignment of the body, A rather tight dress and crazy Acrobatics"

"Always trust your helpful colleagues if they offer to write new pages about you on the internet."

"If marmite and egg mayonnaise are ever mixed together it could cause a large wind and much civil unrest in Australia"

"When you don't know what to do just sing... then when people ask what on earth the noise is you'll probably need to explain that's how you sing. That'll scare them off"

 

 

But seriously...

Despite this page he is a highly valued member of the team... who just happens to be on holiday as we write this... and is unable to defend himself. Brilliant!

James' favourite links:

• JLS Official Website
• Cow Pat Face
• Twilight Fan Club

E-mail James about his JLS fascination and many other things at james@semantic.co.uk or call him direct on 02380 111 546.